IT'S NOT PERSONAL
She rolls her eyes and blows out a stream of air, Susan sits slouched on the couch, " I decided to go to my nephew's birthday party. one, because I love him and two, with the hope that we would all get along." I usually prefer to see him for solo outings but snagged, I gave into the request and showed up.
'Hope springs eternal.'
Now, Susan's face scrunches and her eyes fill, " You know, those plastic blow up clowns that kids punch..they go over for a second and come back up for more ?' I nod. " That's what it feels like every time.
Susan describes how she is sitting and playing a game with a couple of kids and her sister pipes up like a loudspeaker announcement,
" We ( referencing her husband ) can't stand documentary film."
"I work in documentary film", Susan sighs. " here we go again."
It's a real broad side. Things were going just fine, I'm playing go fish with 7 year olds, there's giggling and fun and bam, her attack. If I address it and name the problem; I'm the problem. Believe me, I have tried,
" I didn't mean your film', You're too sensitive', 'I can't say anything without you getting upset.' Why do you always have to argue ?' My sister is a responsibility-less attacker; when called on something she said, she responds; what'd I say ? I find her technique, mean, irrational, offensive and unaddress-able. " I float there alone, self validating and feeling bruised. I'm not a rock. I came to the party for a piece of love and get a destructive hit which with eyes wide open is always the program. One time, I let it pass, two times, I let it pass and then I want to absent myself. Whoever said there is nothing to count on in this world, is wrong. Reliable unconscious motives abound.
IT"S NOT PERSONAL, I say this phrase at least a dozen times a week, aloud to someone sharing their travails with me or at the very least, think it.' What I mean in saying, this isn't personal, is informed by my knowing that people dispel tension on other people regularly.
We all know about road rage; the buzz phrase for someone out of control on the road. Hopping out of your car or crashing it into someone for a traffic indiscretion seems out of whack and it is. The perpetrator, undoubtedly is carrying all kinds of feelings that are tough to handle, get pent up as internal tensions and boom, the energy explodes. Someone cuts you off in your lane and it is the last straw; intolerable !
It is a known fact, that people take their emotional states out on others mostly having little or nothing to do with the targeted person. Rather, it is what that person arouses in the aggressor. Feelings of jealousy, competition, all kinds of worries all make up the fear/ discomfort basket. Fear is the opposite of love and when you act out of fear, it usually leads to no good.
WHY PEOPLE FEEL THE NEED TO COMMENT ON OTHERS
You're likely to see and hear casual judgements and snarky criticisms quite often as casual toss offs. Sometimes people view others in social situations as though they are watching a runway fashion show where you can comment and dispense judgement on whatever is in your view.
'She always buys the most expensive shoes, it's like showing off.' Ask yourself, what is going on in you that prompts you to care enough to comment and judge. It's her money, her feet and her decision.
I heard that someone once went up to Oprah who she experienced as showing off and said, 'who do you think you are, Oprah ?'
Someone harshly called my friend, 'smarty pants' when she used an uncommon word in conversation. The comment came from a person who dropped out of college and feels bad about it. Her insecurity converted her internal discomfort into an arrow released in a social setting. This happens all the time; it's not personal but arrows sting.
Parents who can't regulate their own stress when faced with a nagging child scream mean things, ie, "you're a pest.', what's wrong with you ?' For a child, this is soul crushing ammo used to shut down the parent's discomfort at a child's expense. An arrow aimed and released. An internal discomfort made external.
Advice to the parent; own it, regulate and take care of it since you are generating your response; you are responsible to handle it without causing harm. We all are responsible for regulating our own feelings with civility.
When you eject discomfort out; it can be destructive. The receiver is harmed in small and large measure. It is a corrosive strategy.
Most unkind acts are not directly personal to the target but human targets are exactly that, human. People are not rocks. They are composed of heart, soul and mind, all filled with receptors that register and feel what is being put out there.
Yes, unkind comments are not personal but they harm us all the same.
